Our Favorite Things

Christmas was very restrained this year, but we each got a few favorite things.

Mine: Red Rose Tea from my Evil Sister in Canada. I love Red Rose tea and you can't buy it here in MN.

Tom: Three heavy weight chamois shirts from Cabela's.

DS: a Genuine NFL Vikings team jersey with his own last name sewn on the back.

DD: New snow tires.

DD's BF: Who knows? (We gave him leather gloves and a flashlight.)

Free Food

I have too much food - so help yourself to my post holiday Buffet of Leftovers:

--Assorted Christmas Cookies.
--Assorted Cheeseballs and Cheese Varieties with Assorted Crackers.
--Lots of Chips, a Few Dips and Salsas.
--Turkey and Ham, choice of breads.
--Most of a Cheese and Egg Strata Thing.
--Caesar Salad
--Chocolates, mostly Dark Varieties.

But nobody can have my clementines. I love those things!

Random Pre-Holiday Thoughts

1. I love my tree this year! I say that every year - and every year I mean it.

2. We decided on fewer gifts this year so I have had more time to focus on the wrapping. I just love to make every package look beautiful and different. I pretty much stayed with the traditional red & green this year but with lots of sparklies on the packages. I like sparklies!

3. This year for the first time I managed to find my little sliding paper cutter on the same day I wanted to wrap most of the gifts. It works really slick! Especially when you need to cut a smooth line in a looong sheet of paper.

4. We will have a white Christmas. Again. I actually got to see a snow front move in today! When I got up it was snowing heavily on the north side of our house, while the south side was clear as a bell. The front kind of "froze" like that for about 5 minutes before it started to snow all around.

5. I am going to make my giant Santa head bread art thing this year. I'll try to remember to take a photo of it. I think it is brilliant.

6. Tom only has two days off - :( - The 24th and the 25th.)

7. I want to be in Hawaii. My DD and her family are there with my older sister, helping her get her house ready for sale. It's warm in Hawaii.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

World Without End

Is better than your average 1014 page historical fiction novel. When Ken Follet nails one, he nails it.

In other news I am finally making the family's holiday cookies today. Reindeer Poop (a soft, sour cream based drop cookie) Chai Crescents and Thumbprints. I like cookies!

Internet Friends Are The Best

On a weekend when I was feeling kind of down I got whole little flurry of holiday cards from my imaginary friends. Thank you so much! They have been carefully hung where I can see them right from the 'puter.

I'll blog about the first thing that got me down later some time - not sure when. And maybe the other thing too. Not so sure about that.

Right now I want new snow. We had to shovel out the trailer, and that spread a bunch of ugly, brown-speckled snow around my driveway. I want pretty white stuff!

I Am In A Very Grinchy Place,

So Bah Humbug on everything.
And bugger all reindeer.

Oh Fer Pete's Sake,

A couple of days ago I bought 2 artificial poinsettias because they were practically giving them away and I thought they would brighten up a couple of dark corners. Today, I watered them. *sigh*

Also today I got my annual Xmas letter from the news boy. The first year we had him he included a self-addressed envelope with one paper, so we could conveniently tip him I guess. Then the next year he upped the ante to a small card with his addie info and a plaintive little note about how if you stick cash into the paper box sometimes it blows away and stuff. Now the news boy is all grown up and knows how to beg for money properly. We got this lovely little Xmas letter from him today, printed on fancy paper with red & green stockings across the top:

"Each year during the holiday season, I take great pleasure in setting aside time to send a heartfelt message to all my customers to thank you for your continued business. Delivering the newspaper from Blank to Blank, and Blank to the river is a real privilege. It is over 200 miles long (I see over 50 deer a night) but there is little doubt this area is the most beautiful area in the seven county metro."

Blah, blah, blah... "best wishes, Happy Holidays", and his name and address.

Isn't it nice when the children grow up and learn how to solicite money properly?

Stood Up

Yesterday I was supposed to take my daughter and her BF to see Beowulf 3D. She was going to go from her class straight to the BF's house, where I would pick them both up and then go to the movie.

I arrived at the agreed on time. Her car was not there but the BF's mom's was. I rang the bell, I knocked - no answer. Since the shades were all drawn and the mom works shift hours I did not stand there and bang away at the door. I tried calling DD; her cell was off. I tried calling BF; evidently he has a different cell number now. So I waited for 25 minutes (until it was too late to have made the movie) then left.

Stupid kids. Do they not know Santa was ticked off?

DD swears she arrived within seconds of my leaving. Evidently BF was home but didn't answer for unknown reasons. I figure he was probably deeply in on of his computer games.

In an unrelated event, my Christmas tree is still sitting on the front steps. It almost made it inside this morning, but Tom got all frustrated by the new stand and just left for work instead. I am SO getting an artificial tree next year. I love real trees but I am so tired of all the delays and drama involved in getting the big real tree into the house. An artificial tree I can handle by myself.

Little Snowflakes

I am not a card maker like Breezy or Boo, but I did stamp my envelopes with little golden snowflakes this year. They look so pretty all decorated with the golden stamps. Later today, I am thinking of stamping my body all over with snowflakes. Tom won't be home until about 11 pm tonight so I will have lots of time...

I'm Sending Them Frosty

Most of the cards I send out at Christmas time are fairly non-denominational. I like beautiful Christmas trees on the front, or sometimes horse-drawn sleighs. The ideal card is all sparkly with gold foil and stuff, the front picture is embossed and the envelopes are embellished. My main criterion for selection is "pretty".

Since I am sending to cards to people who are and are not Christians I try to be respectful of that. It is MY wish to them. People who routinely send me religious cards usually get more religious ones back each year. I like the Three Wise Men story and there are lots of "pretty" Three Wise Men cards out there.

So I hate when people send me cards or Christmas letters that tell me how to properly celebrate instead of just wishing me whatever version of Happy Christmas they subscribe to.

Like my newly-married nephew, sending his own cards for the first time. He married a minister's daughter. Their wedding was very, very religious - fine - it was their wedding and I respect that. Her dad (who married them) managed to imbue the whole ceremony with an anti-gay prejudice which I thought was both bizarre and plain rude. So in the reception line I just shook the dad's hand very limply and didn't say a word to him.

Fast forward to Christmas card time. Darned if the nephew and wife didn't send out a Christmas letter that told me 3 times how to celebrate Christmas their way. Everytime they used the word Christmas they italised, bolded and underlined the 'Christ' part. Christmas.

For Pete's sake, I do not want to be hectored and I do not want my beliefs directed! I am happy to receive and give best wishes and blessings. Not so happy with the veiled criticisms of religious control-freaks.

So now I am going through the free cards I received from WWF and The Nature Conservancy and such, looking for the least Christmasy card I can find.

Do I have the Holiday Spirit or what!?!

Everything is digital now

Even mammograms. Which is a huge improvement if you ask me. Used to be, the sadistic bitch in charge of the x-ray mammo machine like to really crank down those compression plates until I screamed. But with the new digital machine she just positions you and then the compression plate squeezes gently to some pre-determined psi which I found quite bearable. Maybe I won't wait so long before I go back again.

Gyne exams, of course, have always been digital - only in a different kind of way lol.

On an unrelated topic my Christmas tree is still sitting on the front stoop because my fancy new stand that lets you level the tree with one hand and then lock it in place was missing a few nuts. I hate that! I'm going to have to break out my starter cards for a little Holiday cheer.

11 thru 20 and a Little Rant

Continued from yesterday - obscure titles for well-known Christmas carols:

11. Assemble Every Adherent.
12. Hail the Hallowed Pre Dawn.
13. Alabaster Noel Fantasia.
14. Clink Tintinnabulation.
15. One Dozen Twenty-four Hour Yule Periods.
16. Befell During the Transparent Bewitching Hour.
17. Homo Sapiens of Crystallized Vapor.
18. Desiring Dual Yuletide Incisors.
19. I Spied Maternal Progenitor Osculating Beneficent Trespasser.
20. Perambulating Through A December Solstice Fantasy.

and a bonus 21 I just now thought of - Puerile Percussionist.

Now the rant. I hate the Homeland Security airport rigamarole! Yesterday my oldest daughter and her family were flying from NY to Hawaii and they were in MSP (the Minneapolis MN airport) for a 2-hour layover. We discussed it, and it was just impossible for me to go and have a nice hour-long or so visit.

Security will not let me much past the front door. DD's family would have to exit the secure area to meet me - which means they would have to go through security again to make their connection. Always a risk. DD is ethnically ambiguous-looking since her dad was from India. Her husband is an ethnic Inca from Equador and also has a "look" that is not common. One or the other of them is always singled out for special handling by Security. So they have to allow extra time to go through the security gates. Two hours is nothing.

Bummer. I miss the Good Old Days when you could just go meet people at their gate. Stoopid security.

10 Today, 10 Tomorrow

Hopefully, these have not been all over OT and y'all are bored with them. Since I don't go there anymore I have no idea. Anyway - here are ten alternate titles for ten classic Christmas songs. Can you figure out the proper title?

We'll start with the easiest one. Tomorrow's ten will be a little more obscure.

1. Quadruped with Crimson Proboscis.
2. Eight pm to Six pm Without Noise.
3. Minscule Hamlet in the Middle East.
4. Mirthful Ancient Benevolent Person.
5. Adorn the Vestibule.
6. Exuberance Directed to the Planet.
7. Listen, Aerial Sprites Announcing.
8.Trio of Monarchs.
9. Yonder in the Hay Rack.
10. Cherubim Audited from Aloft.

I am easily entertained so I think these are great fun. I will post the answers later today, but I'm sure you can figure all these ones out.

I Cheat At Cards

No, not that kind of cards! I cheat at Christmas cards.

I am one of those people who thinks Xmas and Holiday cards are pretty and fun, so I put them up. I have a couple of large doorways that I like to frame with cards. Problem is: I am ready to hang cards by about December 10th or so but I have received very few cards by then. Most people send later and later every year. So I cheat. I hang "starter" cards that I have saved from last year.

I have about a dozen classic cards that I like so well I hang them every year, and then I hang additional cards from last year (saved in my box of wrapping paper) until I have covered the top of both doorways. New cards get added down the sides.

Is that weird? Cards just make me feel all cozy and cuddled and loved.

If you want a card from me, send me an address at simcoe02@hotmail.com

Meme For Colorful People

(you may have to highlight 6 and part of 8 to read it)

1. The color of my eyes is:

2. Is there a use for puce? What is it?

3. I wear something that is black just about every day. Y/N

4. English is a defective language. It contains no words that rhyme with "orange". Please make up a word that rhymes with "orange" and explain it's meaning.

5. My three favorite things which are green are:

6. All my ceilings are white. Y/N If No, please state other colors.

7. The main colors of my own blog page are: (I had to go peek because I didn't remember exactly (Y/N)

8. If snow could be any color but white I would like it to be:

9. The color of my favorite beverage is:

10. The color of my father's and/or mother's eyes is:

Bonus Q. The color of my main vehicle is: , but I wish it were:

Oh the weather outside is frightful,

But the fire is so delightful,
And since we've no place to go,
Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

Because it is already coming down fast. All the "wait until December" people must be so happy - it is snowing on their first big shopping day!

Okay you December people. Tell me what's the FIRST thing you bought this year, once Holiday shopping was allowed.

I can't find my favorite, 6 ft tall outdoor rope-light Christmas tree. I found two 5 ft non-rope spiral trees that I meant to give away this summer but didn't. I found my 3 ft light-up buck where half the lights don't work but someday I'm going to spray paint it dark brown and wrap it with vines so it becomes a grapevine sculpture instead - but not my favorite rope-light tree. I found 2 little 'entry' fake trees with wired-in lights that I bought one year and decided looked cheap. But my fabulous rope-light tree? Missing. *sob* They don't make them that nice anymore.

My first gift for myself arrived in the post today. A gorgeous long-sleeved teeshirt from southwestindian.com. I absolutely love it! I ordered the cutest little shirt for grandson at the same time, brown with a huge green gecko all down the front - but it is backordered for 4 weeks. :(

DD's boyfriend is getting his first paycheck today. I hope he buys some decent clothes because he really needs them.

I Can't Find My Johnny Mathis Christmas Album!

*sobs*
I love Johnny Mathis.

I bought 2 Christmas albums yesterday - Il Divo The Christmas Collection and something called Now That's Christmas, which is total crap. A bunch of pop stars popping out rethunk Christmas classics. Stoopid.

M&Ms Melt In Your Mouth...

But not unless you buy a bag.

Mint M&Ms were on sale at Target today - 2bags/$4 - so I bought some before they were gone. Minor quibble: they changed them from last year. Each one is really big, about the size of a peanut M&M only there are no nuts, just solid chocolate mint goodness. But the big ones feel bigger, so you can eat just a little handful and not half the bag.

DD loves Mint M&Ms. She gets a bag every year for Christmas. Plus they are one of the very few things Made in America you can buy at Target. I had to laught at the stoopid Republican debaters last night who wanted people to buy stuff made in America for Christmas. I don't think those guys shop much.

Nothing to Report Today.

--Outside Christmas decorations are halfway up.

--I want a yogurt because I forgot to eat breakfast.

--I just accidently spent $120 online at southwestindian.com

--The Mist is a so-so movie.

Happy Fake Your Colonoscopy Day

Once upon a time I was scheduled to have a colonoscopy today, and Tom told the bank he was taking the day off because when you have a colonoscopy you need a designated driver/supervisor afterwards.

Then I read the fine print on all my knee surgery stuff and it said no medical proceedures that possibly involve bleeding should be undertaken for 3 months post-knee replacement surgery. So I cancelled, but we didn't tell the bank. We're going to go see The Mist instead. Way more fun than a colonoscopy! Maybe later we'll play doctor, just for the authenticity of his day off!

In other news I voted for Mel. She's the best dancer left IMO.

Garlicky Blues

I love garlic. I make lots of soups and stir-fries and put garlic in just about every time. So I am really annoyed that garlic just doesn't last very long anymore. You buy a nice, fat bulb and it totally dries up in about 2 weeks. It used to be you could buy a bunch of bulbs, keep them in a cool dark place and they would last for months. No more. I suspect it is because garlic (like eggs) is already several months or more old by the time it hits my grocer's shelves.

Used to be, you could buy eggs and they too would last for months. Now they come with expiration dates about 2 weeks past date of purchase - and they mean it! I read somewhere that most eggs you buy in a grocery store are close to one year old (their maximum, refrigerated lifespan) before they make it to the store shelf. That sucks. And they can still label them "fresh eggs"!

Friday Pie Fight

*Swami hoists a left-over, deep-dish pumpkin pie speculatively and gigglesnorts*

"When unsuspecting peeps show up - WAM! - I can nail them!!!!

*giggles and waits*


Edited to add: Okay, this is taking waaaay too long. I guess I will have to deliver these left-over pies in person!

Edited again. Okay. Sorry if I missed anyone. I ran out of pie flavors!

Why Do They Pardon Token Turkeys?

Does this make butchering the remaining millions guilt free?

Wouldn't it make more sense to have the Prez ritually slaughter the chosen turkey?

How come we never see photos of all the turkeys that have been pardoned in previous years, living their happy, productive little turkey lives?

Amy's Meme (or, Mom2BJM's meme)

Because who doesn't want to answer 45 questions about themselves, lol? Prepare to be fascinted (or not.)


1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now? For me, Aveeno Sensitive Skin Moisturizing Body Wash. For Tom, Dove Green Tea and Cucumber bar soap.

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? No, I don't buy watermelon.

3. What would you change about your living room? More art! Especially my passion - bronze sculpture.

4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? Clean from the overnight wash. When three or four dishes pile up on the counter that triggers me to empty and start refilling it with dirty stuff.

5. What is in your fridge? Way too many things to mention individually. Lots of condiments, assorted fresh veggies, milk & yogurt, eggs, cheese, extra vitamins, no leftovers today.

6. White or wheat bread? My favorite sandwich bread these days is Brownberry Ovens Country Hearth white.

7. What is on top of your refrigerator? A large goldfish bowl where I toss small things I find that no one claims but I don't think should be lost - like misc keys, screws, do-daws & thing-a-ma-jigs. A large jug of white vinegar (because it doesn't conveniently fit in any cupboard.

8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? I love my shower curtain! It is a patchwork of sewn-together 1 foot microfiber squares, with each square being a different snake or lizard skin. In shades of brown & taupe. It sounds kinds teen-agey, but trust me - the look is very restrained and elegant.

9. How many plants are in your home? A whole great big bunch of them. Maybe 20?

10. Is your bed made right now? Unless someone is sleeping in it, the bed is made.

11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Ask the cleaning lady (thanks Puffy)

12. Is your closet organized? Shelves and rods - yes. Floor? Not so much.

13. Can you describe your flashlight? We have multiple flashlights. There is a little purple one which must live by the computer at all times. We each have one at out bedside. There is one by each of the 2 main doors. And more here and there.

14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Acrylic glasses for carbonated drinks, because they hold the bubbles longer. Milk and juice - glass.

15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? I like Crystal Light Raspberry Iced Tea but I finished it the day before yesterday. So no.

16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? Uh - I'm not sure. I don't think so, but then my garage standards are pretty low.

17. Curtains or blinds? I rarely like curtains. There are some in son's room (at his request) and in our home office (because I needed something with a soft texture to offset all the hard equipment.)

18. How many pillows do you sleep with? One.

19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? We have nightlights all over the house - bedrooms, bathrooms, hallways, kitchen.

20. How often do you vacuum? Sort of weekly.

21. Standard toothbrush or electric? One of those OTC built-in battery ones.

22. What color is your toothbrush? Green and white.

23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? In summer. In winter time I take it away because it gets covered with snow and/or stays wet.

24. What is in your oven right now? Nothing.

25. Is there anything under your bed? Tom's extra shoes and some sex toys.

26. Chore you hate doing the most? Not counting the ones I have spun off on my cleaning lady? Shopping for non- fresh food stuff - the toilet paper & detergents & baggies kind of stuff.

27. What retro items are in your home? I'm too old to determine this.

28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Yes.

29. How many mirrors are in your home? Seven, not counting the 3 bathroom mirrors.

30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? Yes. More "tucked away" than super hidden.

31. What color are your walls? Most are some shade of taupe except family room which is wood paneled, and living room which is a very dark, funky spruce.

32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Mace, a couple of guns, and a club. Mr. Swami is fond of his club.

33. What does your home smell like right now? I don't know - nothing comes to mind.

34. Favorite candle scent? Vanilla I guess. I rarely use scent candles.

35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Kosher dill pickle planks.

36. What color is your favorite Bible? I have a bible on my bookshelf, between the Bhagavad Gita and the Koran. Aren't bibles always black? Why are they always black?

37. Ever been on your roof? Once or twice, long ago.

38. Do you own a stereo? Yes. I'm old - remember?

39. How many TVs do you have? Five, lol.

40. How many house phones? Five cordless, and one corded, battery operated one which is useable when the power is out.

41. Do you have a housekeeper? A house cleaner, which a step or two down from a housekeeper.

42. What style do you decorate in? I call it British Empire Eclectic.

43. Do you like solid colors or prints in furniture? Big furniture (sofas, major stuffed chairs) are all solid colors or leather. Accent type chairs may or may not be a print.

44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? Yes, many.

45. In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip? Emergency cash, computer tower, boxed original documents, boxed old photos (not all are scanned yet!), the family jewels - such as they are. I guess our one trip is up now.

Untitled Monday

Sometimes, titles are the hardest things.

Mr. Swami kept talking in his sleep last night. I mean talking on and on - paragraphs of talking! Could I understand a single word he said? Yes. Just one. The word "no". I wish he would speak more clearly!

He was in despiration mode. I think he may have been trying to milk a TAR camel or something - he was that worked up. When he does talk in his sleep he is always either panicked (like last night) or angry. Usually panicked.

Do you talk in your sleep? Or anyone you sleep with? I have no idea if I do or not, because Tom goes down like a rock most nights.

Shopping Madness

There is sure a lot of crazy stuff available for "gifting" in the catalog and on-line shopping universe. Anyway these are the Top Ten Things I Do NOT Want for Christmas (as entertaining as they may be...)

10 - Doggy Doo Tree Ornaments. Realistic, resin dog crap tied up with ribbon and sprinkled with glittery "snow". Ready to hang.

9. Talking Mother-in-Law Nutcracker. Says stuff like "My daughter is too good for you!" "Get a job!" "You call this a meal!?!"

8. Motion-Activated, Drunken Parrot. Says weird shit in a fake pirate accent. (If I had one I would call it Rupert.)

7. Amazing Live Sea Monkeys. *waves to Seana*

6. The Hillary Nutcracker. It really cracks nuts! It's Hillary in a power pantsuit. You put the nut in her crotch & squeeze her legs together.

5. The George W Bush 'Mission Accomplished!' Toilet Bowl Brush. Hold his legs, scrub your toilet with his head. Okay, this one makes me laugh. A lot.

4. Fart Lollipops. Evidently people who suck on the lollipops soon begin to fart uncontrollably. (Wouldn't this be, like, poisoning?)

3. A Shut The Duck Up Tee-Shirt, featuring that AFLAC duck with duct tape wrapped around his bill.

2. The White Trash Christmas Album, featuring songs like 'The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen' and Wreck the Malls.' Sadly, I am strangely attracted to carp like this.

and the number one thing I most don't want?

1. Any kind of Singing Fish or Singing Reindeer or Laughing Santa wall plaque! GAH! I hate those things!!!

Ding, Dong, Sara Sidle's Gone

Or as I liked to call her - Suicidal.

It will be so nice to have her depressed, unhappy face off my show! Really, Grissom should have stuck with Lady Heather. She was much more interesting. And sexy. Suicidal was not at all sexy (or interesting or empathetic.) I was starting to disrespect Grissom for settling on her.

I want more stories starring Nick and Greg.

An Earth-Shattering Announcement of Cosmic Importance

Well, to me anyway.

My middle child's boyfriend has finally got himself a job!

Let's see - he graduated high school in 2002. Since then he has sat around, played video games and vaguely looked for work every month or two. You know, unless it was raining or something. Anyway, a friend of his has hired him to work in a game store - I believe he starts on Black Friday. Hallelujah!

Then when daughter graduates from college (finally!) at the end of December, maybe she will get a job too. Self-supporting children - what a concept!

This Just In...

Turns out, my evil sister Carole is still married to her fourth husband. !?!?! I thought she divorced him in late 2002 or early 2003. I thought this because:
(a) she moved out in early 2002
(b) she TOLD me she was getting divorced!
(c) she complained about how much of her money & assets he screwed her out of
(d) she went from being Carole StupidMarriedFrenchieName back to Carole MaidenName

Who reclaims their maiden name without getting divorced? Is that even legal? I am completely bemused by this development that she kind of let slip by accident in a conversation.

Her reasoning - so far as I can understand it - is that she would have felt like such a loser if she got divorced for the 4th time, so instead she just legally seperated from him. So she is not a loser divorcee.

I find the whole thing very strange. As I think back on it she tended to say things like "when Frenchie and I broke up" or "when Frenchie and I split," not "when Frenchie and I got divorced." Then again, whenever I said the "divorce" word about Frenchie she did not correct me. I wonder if her kids (who are not Frenchie's kids) know this!

I do not understand my sister.

I Am Not Here Today Because

My lovely and talented DH has spent the whole. entire. day. blithely occupying the entire office as though it is his private turf or something. The nerve!

Really, the only smart thing Mr. Swami has done so far today, besides sit on me, is to give me an Old Fashioned glass full of Bailey's. Followed immediately by a refill. And by "sit on me" I mean theraputically sit on my bionic leg - to flex it to its full extension.

NOOOOO !!!!!

SNOW !!!!
I am so not ready. I need new boots!

On the other hand the deer hunters will be happy because now they can track their prey.

Which reminds me of my poor neighbor. Here in the midwest many people create a little "lawn art" display of 3 whitetailed deer - daddy deer, mommy deer and Bambi makes three. Usually the statues are made of painted cement or some kind of resin and people put them up near their houses.

Anyway, one neighbor down the road decided to put a single buck out by his roadside mailbox in a non-traditional display. And? This "buck" has been shot twice by hunters - no matter that you are not supposed to shoot from your car, or shoot within so many feet of a state highway, or that it is so obviously a statue if you look at it for more than 10 seconds and are not drunk.

So the guy was forced to put a blaze orange vest onto his display buck. I think it is hysterical - a lone buck on the side of the road, wearing blaze orange. I bet he gets shot again though. Deer hunters are persistant folks.

Stupid Writers' Strike

How am I supposed to come up with a new blog entry when all the writers are on strike?

I guess I will go shopping instead, since I have no work to do today. Menard's had a flyer in today's paper listing all their Christmas decorations on sale! I want an easy-leveling tree stand so I don't have to make Mr. Swami lie on the floor for hours and adjust screws. I also want a bunch of mirrored tree balls, some rope light and who knows what else.

It's either shopping or make doctor's appointments for some stuff I am overdue on. Like a mammogram and colonoscopy. Really. Which sounds more fun - shopping or medical carp? I hate mammograms! And? I have never yet had a colonoscopy and the whole idea scares me. My colon quivers just thinking about it! *colon shiver*

Things I Blame The Internet For:

1. My limited capacity to focus on a long novel anymore.

2. That accidental gay pass I made at my neighbor Pat.

3. My increased potty mouth.

4. My now limitless gullibility.

5. Certain unusual sexual cravings my DH developed late in life which were caused by that free internet porn.

6. Knowing more than I want to about certain airhead waste-of-oxygen so-called celebrities.

7. My increased procrastination.

8. My declining grammar and punctuation skills. Who has time for commas anymore?

9. Giving me Google which fuels my obsessive need to instantly know everything about something I don't really care about anyway.

10. Making it sooo easy to buy stuff I never should have even bid on at eBay.

Random Halloween Memories

The Longest Night. When I was 11 we had one of those warm Halloweens (unusual for Canada) and also a full moon. My best friend and I were out for more than 3 hours, walked for miles and got bags and bags of candy. However, I was scarred for life when I saw my least favorite substitute teacher in her underwear while we were sneaking around her house trying to decide whether or not to risk soaping the windows.

Window Soaping. I was good friends with the daughter of our high school principal. So one year I thoroughly soaped her windows. I got in such trouble! Even though I said I wasn't soaping the principal's windows - just my friend's house. Never soap the windows of a high school principal, children. It's like a federal offense or something.

My Favorite Costume. When I was 12 I went as Barbarella in a costume made entirely of tin foil. I had many technical issues with the tin foil bra and my father ultimately insisted I wear a turtleneck under the bra - nevertheless I felt so very, very sexy and grown-up. I couldn't figure out why so many guys who drove by tooted their car horns at me, lol. Such innocence. I had on a pair of silver panties (from an ice skating costume) with a fringed miniskirt made of silver foil so the silver panties showed through, a pair of silver knee-high boots, and the silver foil bra. It's a wonder my parents let me out the door!

Favorite College Halloween. A bunch of us decided to move our Halloween party to a nearby graveyard. So there were jugs of apple smash resting on tombstones and some costumed kids making out on the graves. An old lady saw the party from her bedroom window and called the cops. Evidently, partying in someone else's graveyard is illegal and referred to as 'Desecrating Hallowed Ground'. Who knew?

Favorite Memory With Tom. He dressed as a vampire and I as a vampress and we went bar-hopping in costume. Many, many Bloody Mary's were consumed. We stayed totally in character and it was so fun. Tom made a great vampire - wearing a full length black cape lined with red silk over his best dark pin-striped 3-piece suit, shiney wingtip shoes and fangs. So handsome! I was all in red with way too much eye make-up on.

Surprise Halloween Weather Event. In 1991 I was in charge of the Halloween Party at my DD's elementary school. When we went into the school it was a lovely evening. When we came out 2 or 3 hours later we walked into a white world. Twenty-one inches of snow had fallen! We barely, barely made the drive home.

An Absolutely Untoppable Family Halloween Story. When I told my mom the apple smash/graveyard fiasco story she told me her college Halloween story:

Her father was the Coroner for Cook County (?) (whatever the heck county it is that Cleveland, Ohio is located in). Anyway, when her sorority decided to enter a Halloween Haunted House contest my mom, a lovely and well brought-up young lady decided to steal an unclaimed John Doe cadaver from the City Morgue to be part of the display. The body they stole was a young man who had been badly beaten and then shot in the head. And then autopsied.

The sorority's haunted house was a huge hit and seemed likely to win the contest until an off-duty cop went through the display. He knew a real body when he saw one, so he shut the Haunted House down and brought in the law. Much confusion ensued. Her sorority didn't win the contest and my mom had to promise to never steal a body from the morgue again, lol.

Tell me a story from your Halloweens past!

Not Much Today

1. Chickadees rioted on my deck. I put out some bird seed for the first time this fall and a horde of chickadees swarmed the deck. Their party was quickly crashed by nuthatches, then blue jays, then hairy & downey woodpeckers, then (of course) a squirrel or two. I guess the birdies were hungry.

2. I learned a new word on The Daily Show yesterday. FLILF.

3. Yesterday I finished off all my cheesecurds because Weltek reminded me of them.

4. Today is supposed to be the last great day of Fall. Again.

5. I guess my Halloween decorations are going to stay in the basement this year. Even Grizzelda, my favorite witch. I miss Grizzelda.

6. For New Year's I am going to Tough Love my daughter right out the door, or something like that. She is getting way too comfortable here on Easy Street where dad pays for everything.

7. For my next birthday I want an electric carving knife.

8. I lost my favorite necklace somewhere in the house and I can't find it for the life of me. It is a pewter medallion with two sculpted Celtic trout and some seaweed enclosed in a 2 & 1/2 inch knotted pewter circle. I found it one day more than 25 years ago, while walking down Hennepin Avenue with Tom and it's been my "lucky" necklace ever since. I would hate to lose it for good!

9. I am "watching" a bunch of stuff on eBay. I don't think I am going to buy anything, but you never know. I am watching some oriental art, some Breyer horses and some Christmas angels. If I had a place for them I would have a herd of about 125 Breyer horses. I love those things! I have too many angels already, but I like to put them all over at Christmas time.

Dead

*sigh*

We had our killing frost on Saturday night. No more pretty annuals. And my banana tree bit the dust as I knew it would. I killed it.

Last year I brought my baby banana tree indoors and it spent the winter in my living room, where I most definately did not have room for a banana tree that grew to 6 ft across. So this spring I planted it into the ground so I wouldn't be tempted to bring it back in again this winter. It grew even more when planted in the ground and looked quite lovely. Now it just looks dead. But it had to die because already I barely have room for all my house plants and house trees.

So RIP little banana tree. Minnesota was not the right place for you...

I Have Decided.

No turkey for me this year. I am going to make a crown roast of beef. With Yorkshire pudding. Yum!

Did everyone see the beautiful full moon last night? Our skies were crystal clear so the moonlight was just luminous.

Oh look - it's foggy outside.

Tippy Toes just tried to jump up on the computer desk and wiped out a little pile of stuff which went crashing to the floor with him. That will teach him to come after my morning bagel!

Tom wants to bring home Chinese take-out from some new place in St Paul called The Teahouse for dinner. I am always in favor of dinners I don't have to cook.

Perfection

Today is a perfect fall day. Just perfect! Sunshine, blue skies, about 50 degrees. I think I'll go shopping this afternoon. Kohl's has a sale with some things I need marked way down.

I want a new Playtex 18-hour bra. I only wear them 14 - 16 hours (usually) but they are such darn comfortable bras for me. There are sexier bras out there, but the 18-hour keeps the girls high, proud and comfy.

I also want a new fleece jacket. Like so many Minnesotans I tend to dress in layers. In fact I rarely wear a winter coat. As the weather gets cooler I go to long-sleeved, jersey-type tops under my unlined windbreaker jacket. When it gets cold I add a fleece top over the shirt, then the jacket. On the rare occasions when it is really REALLY cold I put on a full length down coat - but that may be only 8 or 10 times per winter.

Also perfect? My cleaning lady comes today!

Word of the Day, Uruguay.

For some reason all my dreams lately have either centered on Uruguay or relocated to Uruguay. I have no idea why this is. To tell the truth, I would have trouble locating Uruguay on a map! This is some of what I have dreamed so far:

1. Turns out my mother, who died in 1999, has actually been living in Uruguay since then.
2. Uruguay has fantastic rain forest pulley rides. (You know, those cables strung between trees and you hang on to handlebars below the cable and slide down really fast to the next tree.) Way fun! I rode them for hours.
3. The rain forests of Uruguay have never burned. You can ride the giant parrots who live in the forest.
4. I intercepted a phone call from my MIL who was calling her husband Phil who died about 10 years ago. She told him she had fallen and couldn’t get up but she wasn’t ready to die yet because she had never seen Uruguay!

It’s starting to skeeve me out. Why Uruguay?

Damn Duck Hunters

Every day at one minute after dawn (or one minute before - I forget which) they are allowed to start shooting. So every morning I am awakened at dawn. Boom! Boom-boom! Pop! The ducks passing through my backyard are never safe.

This is the downside of living by a navigable river - any fool with a boat can motor up into your neighborhood and shoot stuff with guns. They are not supposed to shoot towards the houses and there has never been any incident that I know of. But I just don't like it!

Plus, I figure "my" ducks are my guests and I don't want them shot.

Home Made Tortilla Soup Is...

...simply divine. Food of the gods. Soup AND a fresh salad, in one bowl of deliciousness. Why has no one told me this before? I plan to make it every week all winter long!

On another food topic (so-called food, actually) my DD's BF makes his "signature" dish quite often at my house, usually late at night. It smells like dog vomit and wakes me up every time he makes it. Yuck. When he made it at 4 a.m. this morning (he and the DD arrived long after Tom and I went to bed) it made me feel all itchy too - so I had to get up, take a shower and wash my hair!

So. Which recipe would you like?

Swami is Here. Swami is fine.

And evidently Tom is keeping you all amused. I guess he was a Bad Boy on Bravie's blog, lol. I never did see what he wrote.

Knee therapy is a pain in the ass and takes forever to do. And as much as I enjoyed having my older daughter & grandson here for a nice long visit it is nice to be alone too! Yesterday was the first full day I have had all to myself since the surgery! I thought I might restart blog rounds then, but I wound up just enjoying the no-pressure solitude and watched a bunch of shows I had DVRed over the last month.

I am fine walking on flat ground but stairs remain a PITA because I don't trust the knee yet. Also riding in the car is freakishly uncomfortable after about 15 minutes.

It has rained here every. freaking. day. for the past month and I am beyond sick & tired of the gloomy doomy grayness outside my window. This weekend I may hang some of our Halloween stuff outside--that will go well with gloomy-doomyness. First I need to delegate Tom to go down into the basement and fetch things upstairs. He's cleaning the gutters right now.

Well, this has been a dull post. I'll try to come up with something more interesting soon. And I need about 85 hours to catch up on my reading...

Thursday Thoughts

1. Hung won Top Chef. Yay!

2. My oldest daughter is coming for a quick, almost drive-by visit from Sun - Tues. She is bringing the World's Most Perfect Grandson and their new little dog, a tea-cup poodle puppy who weighs about 2 lbs. I am worried that my alpha female cat will consider the puppy "prey" and hurt him. I sure hope not! Cats don't kill itty-bitty puppies, do they? (Daughter is in Milwaukee on business.)

3. The Knee is feeling much better. I forgot my cane a couple of times today, so that's a good sign.

4. I had my stitches and staples taken out yesterday. There were seven sutures and 37 staples in my 9 inch incision. I still worry as I flex the knee past 90 degrees that the incision will split open like a ripe peach. I know it won't, but what if!?!

5. We are having an absolutely lovely fall but I can't go sit on our screen porch because the 2 steps leading down to it are hugely steep. Steps are still a pain.

6. About a week after my surgery I got all constipated. I don't remember being really constipated before so I now have an appreciation for the poor folks who have this problem regularly. I mean irregularly. Whatever.

7. Yesterday I walked around in a grocery store with Tom for a little while. We bought a few needed things and also a couple of boxed lunches which we ate while sitting at the edge of White Bear Lake and watching the sailboats. (I got a chicken salad croissantwich.)

8. I am going to keep going until I hit no. 10 because that makes Boo happy. Or is it Nutz?

9. Speaking of Boo, the way I eat pot pies is to turn them out upside down onto a small plate, use the side of my fork to cut the pie into 8 even wedges and then mush & stir the wedges together. Looks awful, tastes great!

10. Tom has to work late tonight so another thing I bought yesterday from the deli was a serving of Chicken Tikka Masala with basmati rice, channa dahl and spinach with fresh Indian cheesecurds. Very yummy!

Things To Remember About Walking With A Cane

1. Don't whack your bum knee with the stupid cane.

2. Don't kick the stupid cane out from under yourself with the good foot.

3. Don't drop the stupid cane. Bending over to retreive it while balancing on one leg is harder than it might seem.

Who knew this cane-walking thing required so much coordination? Lol! I sincerely hope I don't have to update this post with further 'don'ts'.

I'm having one of those little frozen chicken pot pies for lunch, then Cathy is going to come and make me hurt again. Then I'll take a nap. Busy, busy, busy...

*mosies into her blog*

Look, ma. No cane!

Okay. Enough of that. *Picks up cane again.* I feel way safer with the cane, even though I can walk straightline without it. Stairs? require more effort, sorting of left & right legs, concentration and a cane, lol.

But I got a new physical therapist today named Cathy who I really like! Hopefully I won't have to switch back to Linda. Cathy and I hit it off - that always helps. She is straight-forward, not forced-friendly and just seems more like my kind of people than Linda did.

Anyway, I can flex my knee past 90' and she thinks I will have no trouble getting to 120, which minimum I really want. I guess with artificial knees that can be the trade-off - you get the pain-free strength but less flexibility. Linda was already ready to settle for just past 90'.

So far I am happy I did it. Since I fell in front of Humpty Dumpty the left knee has had just about zero staying power.

OH yeah, we had gimp sex last night. What a hoot! We had to sort out what body parts went where, and I had to remind Tom twice that if you touch my knee I will kill you! but apart from that it was nice to home. :-)

That Was The Week That Was

Monday, Sept 17th was a lovely day so I decided to let a blonde with a chainsaw cut out my left knee. What the stupidiyfuck was I thinking, lol?

DAY 0—SURGERY:
The 1 pm surgery went fine. I had a spinal anaesthesia. Evidently, they don’t let you stay awake when doctors are using power tools on your body but I was awake for most of the closing so I did get to see the tip of my severed tibia, which was my request. (The doctor held it up for me—I never got to see my knee during surgery.)

I was feeling quite upbeat right afterwards. My room was nice, my nurses seemed nice. Tom is always nice. And there was very little pain. Tom stayed for a couple of hours then he had to run. Then I had a late supper of broth and tea. Broth & tea went down, looked around and came right back up. Since I could not hold down food I couldn’t have any oral painkillers and the nurse gave me a shot of morphine in my IV.

Evidently, morphine and I are not friends. I had the weirdest little semi-freakout moment where I Just. Wanted. Out. Of. Bed. I felt smothered by the IVs and machines all around. My simple plan was to get out of bed, blow that popsiclestand and go home. Just get up and leave! I told the nurse I had bed claustrophobia and needed to get up NOW. Which worked out okay since they want you to try and stand right away anyway.

Guess what? Standing hurt, lol. So I sat in a bedside chair for a minute then said okay—I want to go back to bed now! I’m just not cut put to be a runaway.

DAY 1—The Green Meanies
The physical therapists all wore my favorite color – green – in an effort to make me like them. They had this stupid idea I was going to get up and go for a walk. I got dizzy after a few steps every time.

In hospital, you get dessert twice a day. It’s quite nice. I had pudding and bars and even cake! The food was surprisingly good.

Also, people are very worried about your bowels and ask you e n d l e s s l y if you are passing gas okay! I took to giving the ‘thumbs up’ signal, since that seemed most appropriate choice of hand signal.

BRAHM’S LULLABY
This hospital does the sweetest thing. Maybe they do it in other hospitals, but it was new to me. Every time a baby is born they play Brahm’s Lullaby on the PA system. No announcement or anything—just a soft & sweet little song. The staff love this because everyone is reminded – whatever else they may be involved with at the moment – that they are the team that makes it all work! The praying people say a little prayer for the baby, and the good vibrations people vibrate for it. I think that is so neat. If there is some unknowable and unmeasurable benefit to prayers & good wishes, then every baby born in that hospital reaps the benefit.

DAY 2—Green Meanies Are Still There
But today they are nicer. I get a medication change from percocet to vycodin and stop feeling dizzy. I walk around a little. (Actually, I hobble pathetically but they still call it walking.) I see my incision for the first time when they change dressings. Holy Frankenstein is it huge! I have a mixture of sutures and staples, and a slash about 8 inches long down the front of my knee. There is also a little drain coming out the side of my knee for blood to come out and another little tube going in that pumps an antibiotic to the inside of my knee.

DAY 3—Last Day
Nurses are nice. I like nurses. They are always cheerful, they always have something nice to say and they just make you feel good.

On Day 3 they turn the student nurses loose on you, since it looks like you are going to live and all. I think I was the very first hands-on patient for one little girl who did a bang up job of expressing nursing care, compassion and confidence as she took my vitals—even though I know there is no way in bloody hell she heard my lungs because the stethoscope barely connected with my shirt, leastwise my skin. She also blanched a bit while the big nurse showed her how “this hospital” likes knee surgery dressings changed.

DISCHARGE DAY!
The Green Meaning put on a last big push. You have to walk down to the therapy room where they show you how to get in and out of a car (they have a truncated Ford Ranger right in the middle of the room) and make you go up and down a 3-step staircase they have there.

Then I had to try on some new-fangled compression socks that everyone thought were wonderful but I don’t like at all. Ick. I have to wear them for 2 weeks!

Then - home, sweet home. I will write about that later. My topic this week will be knees. All knees, all the time!

स्वामी इस Fine

(For some reason Blogger wants part of my title transliterated into Devanagari and won't let me change it back. What's up with that? I am going to just ignore it. Title is: Swami is Fine.)

I came home on Thursday and have been waiting my turn on the puter ever since. You'd think since I am a temporary gimp people would hang back and give me a chance! But no - Swami gets no special computer breaks. At least the DD and her BF are being quite helpful while hogging the computer. Tom too, of course. So I will just let them be happy computer hogs and finish reading Bones to Ashes - my choice of a fun book to read while recuperating.

I will resume blogging and reading very soon. I have a few tales to tell! Like about the Green Meanies and temporary bedrophobia.

I missed you all and thought of you often. I would like everyone to bend over right now, kiss your knees and tell them you love them. Knees are nice and useful things. Lovely, even.

Corner Deli Blues

Deli salads have all been turned into heavy heavy pastas salads around here. Are deli salads by definition pasta salads now? Used to be, you had a choice of many delightful fresh combinations. Now (except for de rigeur cole slaw) everything is 95% pasta or beans, with olives and (I suspect tinned) artichoke hearts, and sliced pepperoni and things that keep well - not fun, fresh stuff! Maybe there's a broccoli salad. But there's nothing light & fresh & tasty. And they're all floating in too much oil.

I want a SALAD dammit!

My Morning Freak-Out

I am such an idiot. This morning while I was getting into the shower without being quite awake I thought I saw a huge spider in the shower with me! Normally, spiders don't freak me out but I don't want one around when I am naked, lol. So I freaked and tried to swat at the darn thing without twisting my knee in the shower. Whack! Whack! The spider skitted away as soon as I looked at it. Turns out? It was just a little eye floater. No wonder I couldn't quite focus on the "spider"!

LOL - that's all I need to do in the week before my surgery. Fall in the shower while trying to kill an imaginary spider that isn't there!

Today I Get My Hair Butchered. Really.

My new hair salon is in the same building as my butcher. Tres convenient if you ask me!

One week from today...

Next Monday, the 17th, I am having knee surgery. I have both rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis, which really started kicking me in the knees this Spring. I had x-rays a couple of weeks ago and the doctors determined that my left knee was "surgical". I could have got by with steroid injections for a while, but since your knee cartilage doesn't grow back I opted to just go ahead and get a new knee!

I am told that the surgery takes about an hour, with a spinal block instead of general anesthesia. They make a 5 - 6 inch incision in the front of your knee, replace the joint and sew you back up. They put you on some kind of motion machine afterwards that keeps flexing your knee while you lie there for some hours in pain-killer/sedative heaven. The next day you start walking (with support) under the steely eyes of a neo-nazi therapist who tortures you regularly for the next two or three days, then you get to go home and take the motion machine with you for about a week.

I am generally happy to be having the surgery because my darn knee has started to hurt like a summabitch and if I turn suddenly with all my weight on it it sometimes gives out and staggers me, like when I fell down in front of Humpty Dumpty. So yay for a new knee! Then again, turns out I was quite fond of my old knee. So I have some ambivilent feelings too.

I am bummed because this means I will not be driving up to North Bay to meet Lightz and Bravey and Breezy in a couple of weeks, but glad that I did not make reservations (which Tom and I almost did!) to go to Jamaica in October with two other couples. I want to get the surgery over before winter so I won't have to deal with snow & ice and coats & gloves while I am up on canes or crutches or whatever the fuck it is I will need for a while.

And He's Back

All partied out and suffering from chat fatigue. But he had a good time. A few of his old teammates showed up, and he figured out that one of his classmates is now married to his cousin - because they both said goodbye to the same Uncle George on saturday afternoon! No old girlfriends made an appearance.

They ate at the old school hangout, went to the old swimming hole and drank at some local bars that didn't used to let them in. They also had a tour of the old high school, natch. Tom was very surprised and pleased to see that his State All-Star plaque was still hanging on the wall! So he got pictures of himself posing by it. Pretty amazing! After 40 years things like that tend to get mothballed. Of course, he went to a small school so they have had only a few state all-stars. (I didn't even know he had his own plaque on the wall!) Best yet? Someone had a film from channel 7 of him playing basketball in high school! He promised to send us a copy. That would be such fun - to see baby Tom running up and down the court in his 60s basketball shorts. It must have been one of the more significant (all-star!) games for the TV station to save the footage for a while. I am so looking forward to seeing that!

Home Alone

Almost. Mr Swami is about to leave for the wilds of Wisconsin and his 40th high school reunion. He should get back sometime late Saturday unless he gets drunk or something. I don't want any somethings.

His graduating class was not very large - maybe 80 people? So who knows how many will actually show up for the event. I am only worried about one. Mr. Swami said that if a certain blue-eyed Miss Cutiepants who he lusted for all through high school (a) shows up, (b) looks good and (c) wants him bad he may have to do her just to appease the adolescent Mr. Swami who lives inside him. I'm kind of hoping that if she does show up it is with her husband and 8 kids. She must have a husband and 8 kids by now - right?

What should I do while Mr Swami is reliving his youth?

Happy Bosch Day!

Today I get my new dishwasher! *hops*

It's an all-black Bosch, with a tall tub and an adjustable height upper rack. Super quiet! I'm in love with an appliance, lol. When we did some work on our kitchen in '98 and '99 we kept the old dishwasher hoping to get maybe 5 more years out of her. And she lasted another 8 or 9 - but now it is time to pull the plug and send the noisy, malfunctioning old thing to Appliance Heaven.

Warners Stellian guys will be here between 11:45 and 2:45. *hops*

Do you love your dishwasher? Hate it? Have servants for that sort of thing?

Things To Do Today

1. Make a bunch of medical appointments

2. Make appointment to get hair cut. I'm going to a new place called Hair Afflair. Why do haircutting salons always have such hard to remember exactly names? (I am going to this place based solely on the fact that it looks "nice" through the window. I am sick of Aveda & may favorite person there left (again) - so I am going somewhere new.) (And? I'm going to go short.)

3. Renew a prescription (ed. - done).

4. Buy a bunch of glow sticks online. Get sidetracked and order assorted useless Halloween stuff online. This happens everytime so I know I will be buying this random stuff soon. I'm a sucker for the macabre.

5. Return DVD Disturbia. I finally saw it!

6. Go to Barnes & Noble and use my coupon before it expires.

7. Do some workity-work PDF carp.

8. Collect my prize from Bravie. Oh - wait. I didn't win.

9. Go to JoAnne Fabrics and just wander around until my knee hurts. (Is this a local store? It has a similar inventory to Michaels but fewer lame kits of stuff, more general variety, and lots of fabrics. I don't sew anymore but if I did this is where I would go. They have every craft item I want. And it is in the same mall as B&N so I must go there just for the efficiency factor.

10. Write a nice note to Monsty. She nice, the Monstah.

:-) s and :-( s on a Friday

:( This is month end, so Tom will be home rather late. He has to stay at the bank until he is sure Treasury can balance then he leaves and the minions finsh up. Only once did he have to turn around on the way home and go back to straighten something out.

:) He always buys dine-in meals for his staff at month end (so they can just work right thru dinner), and orders enough to bring me home a nice late dinner too! I wonder what it will be tonight?

:( Tom is sad that I don't talk enough about how wonderful, sexy, quirky and entertaining he is in this blog.

:) Tom was very wakeful at 3:45 am.

:( Swami needs a new knee. I have both inflammatory arthritis and osteoarthritis and my left knee (the one I twist everytime I twist a knee) has gone whack. So I saw my doctors and was referred to a surgeon. They are going to work me into their schedule soon, but I don't have a date yet. Probably soon. This may effect a couple of trips I had planned - which makes me mad - but if I am going to do it then I want to do it so I am well recovered by Thanksgiving and snow season.

:) Everyone who has had this surgery sings its praises, so I am looking forward to getting a very improved knee!

:) Birds are flocking, which means Fall is here. I love Fall - it's my favorite season. Yesterday I saw 5 or 6 Bald Eagles hanging around a bend in the river favored by geese. I think the eagles are there for the fish, not the geese, but I imagine the geese are pretty nervous.

:( Speaking of birds reminds me of MM. When did her blog go invitation only? How am I supposed to get my daily smut? Can someone please ask her to invite me if she wishes to?

:) I have 4 steps going up to my front porch with a small, polished cast iron railing down one side. A flock of chickadees just tried to land on it, and they all slid down and off the end one by one. A couple flew to the top and tried to sit on it again. I could see them looking down and trying to figure out why their feet couldn't grip. Wheeee! Down the slide they went. Silly birds.

:( My dishwasher is in it's deaththroes. I have to manually reconnect the upper spray arm before every use. Which means...

:) I am getting a new dishwasher! Yay! I want a Bosch, probably their 300 or 500 series. So I am off to Warner's Stellian to check out all the models, kick the tires, stuff like that. I am looking forward to a nice quiet machine. My current one is way too loud.

So, who wants to give me a :) and a :( from their life this week?

Visit Almost Over

Quick pix.


This is grandson and my middle daughter (not his mom!) at Mall of America, posing with some drugged parrots. I can think of no other reason why these birds would willingly sit on the shoulders of strangers and then, when the photographer said "look at the camera", the birds looked at the camera!


This is grandson in his Aladdin costume, from a dance recital I blogged about a while back. Isn't he the perfect Aladdin!


Grandson in his superhero outfit. He IS a superhero, so the 'K' is for his first name.

And I can't find the other two photos I thought I uploaded. Darn! His mom is gorgeous but she kept hiding from the camera so I had to get her in
the background of another grandson pic. Now I guess I have to load the photo again. Don't know when I'll do that...

MIA for a while

My daughters (and only grandchild!) will arrive from NY sometime tomorrow and I am in the home stretch of undustifying my house. (Eldest has many allergies.) So - if anyone would like to inspect my closets, look under sofa cushions or eat off my kitchen floor, then today is your day.

I expect I will be too distracted to make blog rolls much for the next 10 days or so. You all have fun now - hear?

~closed for fumigation~

This blog is temporarily closed for fumigation. Please ignore the good-looking, bare-chested men in cheese hats. They are trained professionals fulfilling a contract. Thank you.

--management

Filling in for Weltek

I have cheese!

Marieke Gouda with Stinging Nettle, and another Gouda with Cumin seed. Cumin flavored cheese has long been a favorite of mine, but I love this Stinging Nettle cheese! Delicious! It has abundant, tiny bits of green nettle leaves all through it. I hate stinging nettle in my garden but dang it makes a nice cheese!

Probably all Weltek will have after her marathon walk is toe cheese.

This morning I am off to the doctor so she can look at my knee. I hate getting old.

Helga the Hygienist

Helga the Hygienist is alive and well. She hurted me. Poked a hole in my gums and then announced that I had a "pocket on 15". Of course I do, bitch. You just made it so! She has also started to mumble a lot and give weird little laughs now and then. At least I don't have to try and converse since my mouth is full of her hands and assorted sharp things.

*runs tongue over slickery teeth*

Updatey Stuff

1. Middle child has gone to NY to visit her sister and help her paint their house. NY daughter bought a beat-up Victorian a few years ago and has finally finished rebuilding the front porch, which triggered the paint job. Never a person for New England White houses, she is painting hers like an Alamo Square Painted Lady. House is a funky green and the railings, trim and assorted Victorian fancy stuff will be in shades of mustard and red with copper wherever they can afford it. Sounds gaudy, but older DD has an excellent color sense so I am sure it will all “work” and be lovely.

2. Guess who had to get up at 3 a.m. to get daughter to the airport for her 5:25 a.m. flight? Good ol’ mom, or course. Which is how I found out that our local McDonald’s has free coffee between 5 and 7 a.m. Who knew?

3. I am still entertained by watching fussy British ladies smell dirty toilets. Also? There a lot of very dirty eccentrics in England.

4. My cleaning binge has morphed into the Great Closet Clean-Out of ’07. I am sending a whole carload of stuff to the farm, where Tom’s mom gives it to her church for their semi-annual thrift sale. Evidently I have been hoarding coats. I will send 11 winter coats (all adult sizes)!

5. Bridge news. They are replacing our 8 lane collapsed bridge with a 10-lane bridge and rapid transit train tracks. Gov wants it done by the end of 2008. They still have the site locked down tight – no one can get near it. A few people have been arrested for sneaking past the cordoned off streets, ticketed, and threatened with one year in jail and/or a $3,000 fine for trespass. This seems rather excessive to me. They are public streets, after all. And nothing was done but attempted “looking.”

6. Hot. Dry. Repeat. I am hauling hoses again this morning.

7. I hate Evil Dick. I used to think he was entertaining but now I think he is just an uncontrolled bully. If I were Danielle I would have left home too.

8. There are 12 boxes of Fire Dept documents sitting in my front hall and I am heartily sick of them. They were hauled here in case we had to look something up on paper – which we didn’t. Now I can’t get anyone to take them back. Anyone have a truck I can borrow? And a box-carrier? Because no way am I going to try carrying the darn things.

9. In the back bottom of downstairs coat closet (yeah—I’m back on my Great Closet Clean-Out topic) I found a complete Black & Decker Scrubbing machine that I bought once and then decided was a useless piece of carp. It goes into a box of gadgets to send to the farm.

10. August is turning out to be a busy month!

Clean clean clean clean clean clean clean.

What I'm doing today, along with watching the Minnesota Bridge Collapse Show on CNN. Very shocking to see a bridge I used to drive over every day laying in the river. Very strange. We are all fine and unaffected! The St Croix is our river these days, not the Mississippi. Remember when I posted the pics of Humpty Dumpty statues? This is very close to that gallery. I think on that trip we drove under the bridge several times on a road that follows the bank of the river. We used to picnic almost under that bridge too, just a little north of it.

Anyway, I am cleaning because my oldest DD is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks. She is allergic to everything - especially dust. So the room she is going to sleep in has to be completely dismantled and every surface including the walls washed. This is the room my son uses on weekends and where I have stuffed the closet full of stored stuff. All the stuff has to come out because stuff is full of dust. So I am running all the quilts and stuff through the dryer to de-dust them, then I will bag them up. A bunch of stuff has to be hauled to the basement.

*sigh* It's nice to have her visit, but a pain to do all the cleaning. She is allergic to cats, and I have two cats.

Amazon Has Everything

I am in love with Castellana Rustic Italian Pasta - particularly their Foglie d'Autunno. Tossed with heaps of fresh basil, tomatoes, garlic & olive oil it is my favorite summer salad, hands down. So I was so bummed when my local upscale grocer stopped carrying it. I searched any number of stores around here - no Castellana.

So a couple of weeks ago I Googled for it - and Amazon was the third hit. I ordered a case of pasta from Amazon! I love Amazon, but I've never bought a food product from them before.

Last night I decided that if I didn't need fresh produce and dairy I could go totally Howard Hughes, order everything I need or want from Amazon, and never leave my house again!

If I was so inclined.
But I wouldn't save my urine in empty drink containers.
That's just crazy!

Things That Annoy Me.

1. Fat Guys on Motorcycles.
I’m not talking about hunky, chunky, man-beef guys who can crack asphalt in their bare butt cheeks. I’m talking about pudgy office boys with no upper body tone and a home-grown, major life preserver riding too-big Harleys. (I know what you’re compensating for, big boy!) I followed one of these guys after he turned in front of me yesterday. A very ungraceful turn and then he wobbled a little. I fell way back to give him lots of room in case he lost control entirely and crashed. Sheesh. He should have been on a wee Vespa.

2. People Who Walk Their Dogs down my private road for exercise and then, when their dog chases my cat onto my property and starts trashing my garden because that’s where the cat ran first – do nothing. Just keep walking and let the dog root around in my garden. Tom had to run out and chase the dog off. Woman kept walking (with her little hand weights) and didn’t even look back.

3. CBS. Every thing they do annoys me.

4. My middle child who is a lovely girl but totally lacking in initiative. When will she get a clue?

5. Dust Mites. Ever since I started watching How Clean Is Your House I have been obsessing over dust mites. They are too small to see and they look so nasty in the blown-up photos they display on they show. I know that they are in most (all?)houses to some degree and like to live inside your mattress where they graze on random dead skin cells that you slough in the night. I worry that they are walking on ME during the night. Specifically, I worry that they are crotch-walking and grazing down there. I know this is a random, stupid worry - but this is my stupid obsession list and I'll worry about crotch-walking dustmites if I want to! Anyway – I used to vacuum my mattress once in while with the old Hoover just because that’s what you do. Today? I asked Tom to bring up the ShopVac. I am washing all the sheets, blankets, pillows, etc. in the hottest of water with lots of OxiClean & detergent, and simultaneously ShopVac-ing the hell out of my mattress. That should eliminate the ugly little fuckers, right?

6. The Drought. I am tired of dragging hoses across the lawn. I want some of Momma’s rain and I want it right now!!!

7. Things Made in China. Why is everything made in China these days? I mean everything!!! Have you been into a store lately? Plus now I am starting to worry about the contents of the many vitamins I take. Supposedly, 80% of the raw ingredients for all vitamins are now imported from China. I just don’t trust ‘em – but I love my vitamins and food supplements!

8. Airlines. Northwest (our local carrier) sucks and keeps canceling flights. But mostly I am annoyed because I have no idea what an airline ticket should cost. When you get on a plane there are people sitting around you who have paid half what you did – or twice as much. It is just such a stupid system. Pick a damn price and stick with it! I always feel screwed when I buy an airline ticket!

9. My Middle Child’s Lazy-Ass Boyfriend. Can’t have a list of ten and leave him off it!

10. Okay, I'm out of annoyances that I am willing to talk about. Please add your own number ten here. Thank you.

It's In The Wind

A certain t-shirt is in the wind!
*licks finger*
*holds finger out*
The wind is from the West.

And that's the only clue I'm giving. :)

Temporarily Closed

Yeah. I can't think of any good topics lately. Or even a good rant. It's quite pathetic.

How To Drive Your DD Crazy

Make her dismantle all the electronic stuff associated with the main TV and then reinstall it in a bigger cabinet. It's kind of a Death by Cable thing. So damn many cables behind that TV! We have 4 DISH cables coming up through the floor (from basement) for our dual receiver. Then there's the DVD player, the VHS player, 2 different older Nintendos, an X box, a Game Cube, another game thing belonging to her BF that I forget what it's called, and the stereo sound system for it all. Plus the phone line hook-up for the dual receiver. Where did all this stuff come from!?! And all the cables had to be carefully threaded through the little gaps and/or holes in the back of the 3 shelves, which involved a lot of laying on the floor and trying not to swear in front of mom.

(Okay, my son with autism loves his older games so we still have the old (12-bit?) Nintendo and Mario is still looking for his princess. That's my excuse. But I like original Mario.)

What toys do you have cabled up?

'How Clean Is Your House?'

Oh my freaking gawd - I am loving this show! It is on BBC America around 2 in the afternoon here.

It's a British show, of course, and stars two stereotypically perfect giddy biddies. They go into people's houses, inspect their terrible messes, and then help them clean up - but it's hilarious!

The first woman, named Kim I believe, is the Queen of Clean. She is a hugely tall ice-blond with huge bosoms. She inevitably enters the selected hovel wearing high, high satin heels and pearls with her blond hair pulled tight into an elaborate, control-freak chignon. When she cleans she wears playtex-type gloves with rhinestones and feathers and stuff at the cuff.

The other woman is named Aggie or something. She is the Dirt Detective. So she takes swabs and sends them off to the lab to see what nasties they can grow in culture from her samples. Usually she finds massive infestations of fun & infectious agents like E. coli, salmonella, candida, mildew, molds and botulism. Cockroaches cavort and flies fly all about as she takes her samples.

Technically, this is a reality show - right?

So these two middle-aged women march into a house and 'ooo' and 'ahhh' over the greasy sinks, grimey toilets and piles of unlaundered clothing. They smell things, roll their eyes and make faces while a very droll male Brit supplies an occasional narrative. They scoop up grease with their bare fingers (ick). They smell toilets. They pick up odd, disgusting things found growing in corners. It is freakin' hilarious!

In one ep Biddy #1 flips up a toilet seat and says "Oh! Look at this! Disgusting!"

Biddy #2 says "What is that stuff under the seat? It looks like crystal!"

Biddy #1: "It's dried urine, is what it is. So much that it's gone to crystals!" Then she scrapes at it with her long red fingernail!!! No gloves! I almost lost my lunch! What the hell was she thinking?!?

Eventually, they put on white work clothes (or bio-hazard suits if needed) and get to cleaning - usually with a bunch of anonymous helpers. And they do have some good cleaning tips on a regular basis. But the main reason to watch the show is to experience a voyeuristic smorgasborg of filth and people who are such idiots they are willing to show their filthy hovels on TV.

It's freakin' hilarious I tell you!

How To Paint A Table

Step 1 - Locate the damn cat.
Step 2 - Throw the damn cat outside.
Step 3 - Paint table.
Step 4 - Leave room to let table dry.

Do not skip steps one and two.
That is all.

Secrets

I got up early today and discovered that Tom has a secret life. He has started to skip his morning bowl of granola and buy a "fruited mini-baguette" from a bakery in Bayport! He is eating warm, fresh pastries in the morning!

Needless to say, I am shocked and jealous. Since I don't commute I have no opportunity to pick up warm-from-the-oven bakery goods. I eat what's around. Today for breakfast I had 6 Nabisco Premium Multi-Grain Saltines. Even in All Caps it still doesn't compare to a warm, fruited mini-baguette - does it? *moment of seething jealousy*

So this is your assignment, fellow bloggers: discover and reveal a secret about someone who is dear to you. Something they think they are getting away with, but now you know!

*hopes Kim has fruited mini-baguettes today*

A Bob-Worthy Moment.

Last night while I was slicing some zucchini for a saute Mr Swami tried to set our yard on fire. Left unsupervised, he does this now and then.

We have a burn pit in the back of our yard where we stack tree & shrub trimmings, etc. A few times per year we burn it all up, along with whatever cardboard boxes have not gone to the recycler. Mr Swami's problem is a love of accelerants. For some reason whenever we need to burn it magically turns out that we have some old gasoline or motor oil to "get rid of". Ie - to burn.

When *I* am supervising it always turns out that we have left over motor oil which is much less volatile than gasoline and so burns without exploding. When I'm not there - gasoline.

So as I was peacefully cutting my vegetables I noticed the DD and then her BF run past the kitchen window looking very intent & focused. I paid no attention on the theory that if mom is needed, mom will be called. Nobody called, but what they were doing was !quick! attaching all our hoses together to reach the fire pit. (Again - had I been supervising the hoses would have already been in place, jic.)

As my daughter described it later: "The flames shot up about 15 feet like usual - but then there was a second explosion and a great saucer-shape of flame shot out sideways from the bottom of the pile!!!" This is what set the brush on fire, and necessitated the hoses. Also? One of our cats who was watching from the nearby glider set a new kitty land-speed record for the 100 meter dash as she raced to the shelter of the screen porch (under it, not in it.)

I am almost sorry I wasn't there.

Somebody Shoot Me.

I just bought an Australian Tree Fern. What the heck was I thinking!?! I PROMISED myself I would buy no more huge houseplants this year because my house is at huge-houseplant capacity. I even planted my banana tree in the ground so I could not bring it back inside this fall. (Large banana trees are not meant to grow inside Minnesotan houses.)

Then I bought a tree fern which will grow into a small (and beautiful!) tree.

I will so regret this in the fall when I bring in my summering houseplants. Somehow my poor living room will have to absorb an 8-9 ft ficus benjamin, 2 huge crotons, a ginormous Boston Fern (3 feet across and about 42 inches long) a major deiffenbachia, a yellow hibiscus bush, my strangely ever-blooming aspidistra and an assortment of smaller plants - including my African Violets. I fear it will be too much.

One time when we had some people over this winter a guy with a comb-over wound up sitting under the banana tree. One of the leaves kept messing up his comb-over and the guy would look up into my banana tree with such an irritated, put-upon expression. Really, what kind of idiot fills their living room with trees?

Installing Love

One of my friends on another little board I go to just posted this and I love it so much I decided to put it in my blog. It is making email rounds so you may have seen it already - but it's worth a reread too!


*ring* *ring*

Tech Support: Hello. How may I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are co pying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everyone gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Things That Vibrate

I {heart} my Oral B vibrating toothbrush. It is just so soothing to use - I like the humming sound, which you can hear through your ears and feel through your jawbone. I like how it feels on my gums. It makes my fingers feel good as I grip the brush. It is the nicest thing to wake up to. I just close my eyes and slowly brush my gums and every tooth from every possible angle. Hmmmmmmmmmmm... Sweet.

Fat Tuesday

Yeah, I know - it's really Wednesday. But it's Fat Tuesday for me because I am going to Ruby Tuesday for lunch and looking forward to their salad bar. The Ruby Tuesday in Stillwater has a really nice salad bar with all kinds of good stuff, so it's not exactly diet food. But anything from a salad bar is by definition healthy food! Right? So I can just chow down and then go back for more. Right?

Right?

I Almost Took Out a Tourist Today

My town, a lovely little turn-of-the-century river town, is a pleasant drive away from the nearby cities of Saint Minnepaulis. So all summer long we get tourist day trippers looking for sun, fun, antiques and a nice meal. They are mostly nice folks who enjoy the comparatively 'genteel' experience of small town life.

My town also has several pedestrian crosswalks painted in the middle of three long blocks in the heart of downtown so people can easly cross the street when something catches their eye. Fine. Local drivers (the majority of drivers) always stop. The city people think this is such a charming & lovely thing. I think some people cross all the time just for empowering thrill of stopping traffic on Main Street. Who cares? Anyone driving down Main Street in the middle of the day has some time to spare almost by definition. Besides, it's State law to yield to pedestrians in crosswalks.

Where it all goes to pieces is when some foolish people decide that they can also stop traffic at intersection which are controlled by traffic lights. Not a good idea! So every once in a while, as you drive through a lighted intersection some complete idiot on the curb will give you a vague smile and step right in front of your moving car! I mean - right in front! What the heck are they thinking!?!

A woman in pink shorts stopped my car with a screetch in just that way this morning. Then after I graciously slam on my brakes to avoid killing her and getting blood & brains all over my car - then she has the nerve to give me the finger! And when I look at her she waves it all around self-righteously. Several drivers on both roads of the intersection honk at her but she walks across anyway because - by damn - she is in a crosswalk!

Hopefully she will find a clue to buy somewhere in town.

My Weekend Quandary

I am kinda old to go bra-less.
It is way too hot to go bra-with.
*looks down at the girls*
What to do? What to do?

*takes the road less travelled*

Habitat for Humidity

I did not ask for this heat & humidity.
I do not want this heat & humidity.
You take it back, Gaia!

And on a related note I am going to make my middle child do manual labor in the heat of the midday sun all weekend, because I am a good mother. See, if she chooses not to have a job during her summer college break but still wants to drive her car and have a bit of spending money then mom is going to make her work for it. I have lots of gardens to weed, some fences that need work, painting odd jobs, etc. Not to mention cleaning. Isn't she a lucky girl that I am giving her this opportunity to earn her keep?

And the midday sun thing is her choice. I keep telling her it is cooler in the mornings but she is unable to crawl out of her bed until after 11 or 12 noon. Also? Her working pace seems to be work for an hour, break for an hour, repeat (but not too often because there are DVDs to be watched & computer games to be played.) The amazing thing is she has no idea how slow and erratic she is. And there is only so much a can nag her. I am clueless on how to instill a work ethic into this kid - she just doesn't get it.

Hark! I hear her stirring upstairs even as I type!

Chicken Veronique for Breakfast!

Anyone want some?
I got lots!

OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!

Fuck.
.
.
.
.
.
And that concludes my report on the Panasonic Epiglide epilator.
.
.
.
.
Personal hygeine should not be painful. For instance - it should not draw blood. They could use this thing for crowd control at political conventions and public riots and such. "Run, kids! Run! The cops have Epigliders!!!!!" *cue the screaming stampede*

The only good thing about this infernal machine is that it has dual heads. I can just pop off the epilating head and snap in the shaving head. Then I have a very nice 2-speed, water-immersible shaver. I bet Nookie never thought of that.

Brown Supper

It's Brown Night at the House of Swami.

BBQ beef on whole wheat buns.
Bush's Best Bold & Spicy baked beans.

I am curiously fond of throwing out monochromatic food service now and then, usually all white, all brown, all red or all green.

Yay! Amazon Delivered!

I have a new Richard Bachman - Blaze - the first new Bachman since he died in the early 80s and became Stephen King. Way back in the early 80s I used to get off my bus (from work, not school lol) in front of Bridgeman's Pharmacy in Uptown Minneapolis. Every week I went inside hoping that they would have a new Bachman book in their paperback novel section.

I also got The Cold Moon by Jeffery Deaver. I love me a Lincoln Rhyme crime scene suspense book.

Then I also got a Panasonic Epiglide epilator. It say glide in italics right there on the box just so you know how smooth and soothing it will feel even though 50 powerful little microtweezers are grabbing away at you. Okay. Now I'm scared to use it. What if I can't take the pain?

I Got Nuttin Today

So I'm going to go hang out in your blog. See you there.

Swami <--- lazy today.

I Almost Missed Top Chef!

Tom had to watch Larry King interview Rome Ramada (or Bridgit Budgetel, I haven't decided which name I like better for that skank.) No problem, I did random things and tried to ignore it. Then right after the interview CNN amassed all their A-list commentators (I hate that made up word) to analyse whatever it was she said.

About 9:05 I thought - wait - I should be watching something. TOP CHEF!!! So I flipped the channel to BRAVO in a panic and whew! They were just starting the Quickfire Challenge.

Can you imagine if I had missed a quality offering like Top Chef because of Pari... I mean Rome?

French Press

After talking about it for a couple of years I finally bought Tom a French Press coffee maker. (I usually drink instant coffee in the morning but Tom doesn't care for instant.) Anyway, I had my first cup of pressed coffee this morning. Tres good! But - whoa - I am not used to such strong stuff. Evidently when you drink French Press coffee you can tap dance and type at the same time! Who knew?

*tap, tap, tap*
*type, type, type*
It's strong stuff!

How do you prepare your morning coffee? Or do you always buy it? Or are you one of those cheerful types who can open both eyes and even converse without the benefit of caffeine?

Intake Day

No smart ass post today. This is about my real life.

Today is Intake Day for my DS with autism. He will start his Adult Day Program after the 4th of July, in a place just south of Minneapolis.

This is a place where the hard cases go - young adults who are just too much to handle for a typical structured workshop. While he is quite rational in an autismy kind of way, the DS is very opinionated and capable of sudden, random violence. On a fairly regular basis he will hit, pinch, kick, spit upon and knock down people. This makes him (and rightly so) a "hard case." (DS is 21 years old, 6'2", and has all his dad's champion athlete quickness and reflexes. He can be scary.)

This is the one place in the Twin cities that specializes in hard cases and openings are hard to get and on an as-needed-most basis. When we enquired about placing DS there for a day program they talked to his HS teachers (he graduated this month) and said 'yes' at once, lol. No hesitation.

I toured the facility in early April. Physically it is quite adequate. The staff is wonderful! And fearless, lol. For a kid like my DS the capabilities of the staff are everything. I think he will do well here.

So DS will spend his days (5 - 6 hours per day) putting together packets of flyers for a small community newspaper and working on basic job and social skills. And having lunch which is always his favorite part of the day. They will also have weekly outings just for a treat. Their goal is that one day he can move on to a sheltered workshop.

I'm not complaining here. I am glad this facility is available and they will accept DS into their program. It is very hard to find a good adult day program for a 6'2" 'hard case' who needs 24/7 supervision.

Squirrel Poop

Okay, I have been obsessing about squirrel poop all weekend. For the past 20 years I have lived in a pine forest. My property supports mabe 50 (?) squirrels. Saturday it occured to me that I had never seen squirrel poop and I had no idea what it looked like! See, if I had 50 rabbits living in my yard, I would see clear piles of rabbit poop. But the squirrels? Nothing.

Why are there no little piles of poop under the pine trees? Certain favored trees have a regular litter of pine cone bits underneath - clearly the squirrels are eating lots of roughage. Where does it go? Even in the winter, when we get a fresh coating of white snow it will remain unsullied by squirrel droppings, week after week.

How can this be? What if their poop is so cleverly camoflaged that I can't tell it's poop? Maybe all these years my children have been playing in piles of squirrel poop that looks like grass. Maybe we have sat on the ground and eaten cheese sandwich picnics right on top of squirrel poop disguised as pine needles! If it is that invisible and I have 50 squirrels in my backyard it seems inevitable that I have been living in a pile of poop all these years!

So this morning I started Googling squirrel poop. I found some images and also ran across this theory in Wiki's uncyclopedia:

"Due to a total lack of witnesses, scientists are led to believe that squirrel poop does not exist or rather, does not exist outside of the squirrels body. The theory states that magic causes waste to disappear as it meets the end of the large intestine. While most are convinced that after this stage it completely disappears, others believe that it could actually be teleported to either another dimension, or the ingredients bay of Slim Jim factories. UPDATE: Squirrel poop does exist. It looks like little pellets, much like a rabbit's, only a bit less firm and more brown. This was discovered when one of our operatives mistook some of the rodent droppings for chocolate candy (yuck!!!) Yet another mystery of the universe solved."

Now my main worry is: how much squirrel poop have my children eaten, thinking it was funny chocolate jelly beans?