I Can't Find My Johnny Mathis Christmas Album!

*sobs*
I love Johnny Mathis.

I bought 2 Christmas albums yesterday - Il Divo The Christmas Collection and something called Now That's Christmas, which is total crap. A bunch of pop stars popping out rethunk Christmas classics. Stoopid.

M&Ms Melt In Your Mouth...

But not unless you buy a bag.

Mint M&Ms were on sale at Target today - 2bags/$4 - so I bought some before they were gone. Minor quibble: they changed them from last year. Each one is really big, about the size of a peanut M&M only there are no nuts, just solid chocolate mint goodness. But the big ones feel bigger, so you can eat just a little handful and not half the bag.

DD loves Mint M&Ms. She gets a bag every year for Christmas. Plus they are one of the very few things Made in America you can buy at Target. I had to laught at the stoopid Republican debaters last night who wanted people to buy stuff made in America for Christmas. I don't think those guys shop much.

Nothing to Report Today.

--Outside Christmas decorations are halfway up.

--I want a yogurt because I forgot to eat breakfast.

--I just accidently spent $120 online at southwestindian.com

--The Mist is a so-so movie.

Happy Fake Your Colonoscopy Day

Once upon a time I was scheduled to have a colonoscopy today, and Tom told the bank he was taking the day off because when you have a colonoscopy you need a designated driver/supervisor afterwards.

Then I read the fine print on all my knee surgery stuff and it said no medical proceedures that possibly involve bleeding should be undertaken for 3 months post-knee replacement surgery. So I cancelled, but we didn't tell the bank. We're going to go see The Mist instead. Way more fun than a colonoscopy! Maybe later we'll play doctor, just for the authenticity of his day off!

In other news I voted for Mel. She's the best dancer left IMO.

Garlicky Blues

I love garlic. I make lots of soups and stir-fries and put garlic in just about every time. So I am really annoyed that garlic just doesn't last very long anymore. You buy a nice, fat bulb and it totally dries up in about 2 weeks. It used to be you could buy a bunch of bulbs, keep them in a cool dark place and they would last for months. No more. I suspect it is because garlic (like eggs) is already several months or more old by the time it hits my grocer's shelves.

Used to be, you could buy eggs and they too would last for months. Now they come with expiration dates about 2 weeks past date of purchase - and they mean it! I read somewhere that most eggs you buy in a grocery store are close to one year old (their maximum, refrigerated lifespan) before they make it to the store shelf. That sucks. And they can still label them "fresh eggs"!

Friday Pie Fight

*Swami hoists a left-over, deep-dish pumpkin pie speculatively and gigglesnorts*

"When unsuspecting peeps show up - WAM! - I can nail them!!!!

*giggles and waits*


Edited to add: Okay, this is taking waaaay too long. I guess I will have to deliver these left-over pies in person!

Edited again. Okay. Sorry if I missed anyone. I ran out of pie flavors!

Why Do They Pardon Token Turkeys?

Does this make butchering the remaining millions guilt free?

Wouldn't it make more sense to have the Prez ritually slaughter the chosen turkey?

How come we never see photos of all the turkeys that have been pardoned in previous years, living their happy, productive little turkey lives?

Amy's Meme (or, Mom2BJM's meme)

Because who doesn't want to answer 45 questions about themselves, lol? Prepare to be fascinted (or not.)


1. What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now? For me, Aveeno Sensitive Skin Moisturizing Body Wash. For Tom, Dove Green Tea and Cucumber bar soap.

2. Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? No, I don't buy watermelon.

3. What would you change about your living room? More art! Especially my passion - bronze sculpture.

4. Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? Clean from the overnight wash. When three or four dishes pile up on the counter that triggers me to empty and start refilling it with dirty stuff.

5. What is in your fridge? Way too many things to mention individually. Lots of condiments, assorted fresh veggies, milk & yogurt, eggs, cheese, extra vitamins, no leftovers today.

6. White or wheat bread? My favorite sandwich bread these days is Brownberry Ovens Country Hearth white.

7. What is on top of your refrigerator? A large goldfish bowl where I toss small things I find that no one claims but I don't think should be lost - like misc keys, screws, do-daws & thing-a-ma-jigs. A large jug of white vinegar (because it doesn't conveniently fit in any cupboard.

8. What color or design is on your shower curtain? I love my shower curtain! It is a patchwork of sewn-together 1 foot microfiber squares, with each square being a different snake or lizard skin. In shades of brown & taupe. It sounds kinds teen-agey, but trust me - the look is very restrained and elegant.

9. How many plants are in your home? A whole great big bunch of them. Maybe 20?

10. Is your bed made right now? Unless someone is sleeping in it, the bed is made.

11. Comet or Soft Scrub? Ask the cleaning lady (thanks Puffy)

12. Is your closet organized? Shelves and rods - yes. Floor? Not so much.

13. Can you describe your flashlight? We have multiple flashlights. There is a little purple one which must live by the computer at all times. We each have one at out bedside. There is one by each of the 2 main doors. And more here and there.

14. Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? Acrylic glasses for carbonated drinks, because they hold the bubbles longer. Milk and juice - glass.

15. Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? I like Crystal Light Raspberry Iced Tea but I finished it the day before yesterday. So no.

16. If you have a garage, is it cluttered? Uh - I'm not sure. I don't think so, but then my garage standards are pretty low.

17. Curtains or blinds? I rarely like curtains. There are some in son's room (at his request) and in our home office (because I needed something with a soft texture to offset all the hard equipment.)

18. How many pillows do you sleep with? One.

19. Do you sleep with any lights on at night? We have nightlights all over the house - bedrooms, bathrooms, hallways, kitchen.

20. How often do you vacuum? Sort of weekly.

21. Standard toothbrush or electric? One of those OTC built-in battery ones.

22. What color is your toothbrush? Green and white.

23. Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? In summer. In winter time I take it away because it gets covered with snow and/or stays wet.

24. What is in your oven right now? Nothing.

25. Is there anything under your bed? Tom's extra shoes and some sex toys.

26. Chore you hate doing the most? Not counting the ones I have spun off on my cleaning lady? Shopping for non- fresh food stuff - the toilet paper & detergents & baggies kind of stuff.

27. What retro items are in your home? I'm too old to determine this.

28. Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Yes.

29. How many mirrors are in your home? Seven, not counting the 3 bathroom mirrors.

30. Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? Yes. More "tucked away" than super hidden.

31. What color are your walls? Most are some shade of taupe except family room which is wood paneled, and living room which is a very dark, funky spruce.

32. Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Mace, a couple of guns, and a club. Mr. Swami is fond of his club.

33. What does your home smell like right now? I don't know - nothing comes to mind.

34. Favorite candle scent? Vanilla I guess. I rarely use scent candles.

35. What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now? Kosher dill pickle planks.

36. What color is your favorite Bible? I have a bible on my bookshelf, between the Bhagavad Gita and the Koran. Aren't bibles always black? Why are they always black?

37. Ever been on your roof? Once or twice, long ago.

38. Do you own a stereo? Yes. I'm old - remember?

39. How many TVs do you have? Five, lol.

40. How many house phones? Five cordless, and one corded, battery operated one which is useable when the power is out.

41. Do you have a housekeeper? A house cleaner, which a step or two down from a housekeeper.

42. What style do you decorate in? I call it British Empire Eclectic.

43. Do you like solid colors or prints in furniture? Big furniture (sofas, major stuffed chairs) are all solid colors or leather. Accent type chairs may or may not be a print.

44. Is there a smoke detector in your home? Yes, many.

45. In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip? Emergency cash, computer tower, boxed original documents, boxed old photos (not all are scanned yet!), the family jewels - such as they are. I guess our one trip is up now.

Untitled Monday

Sometimes, titles are the hardest things.

Mr. Swami kept talking in his sleep last night. I mean talking on and on - paragraphs of talking! Could I understand a single word he said? Yes. Just one. The word "no". I wish he would speak more clearly!

He was in despiration mode. I think he may have been trying to milk a TAR camel or something - he was that worked up. When he does talk in his sleep he is always either panicked (like last night) or angry. Usually panicked.

Do you talk in your sleep? Or anyone you sleep with? I have no idea if I do or not, because Tom goes down like a rock most nights.

Shopping Madness

There is sure a lot of crazy stuff available for "gifting" in the catalog and on-line shopping universe. Anyway these are the Top Ten Things I Do NOT Want for Christmas (as entertaining as they may be...)

10 - Doggy Doo Tree Ornaments. Realistic, resin dog crap tied up with ribbon and sprinkled with glittery "snow". Ready to hang.

9. Talking Mother-in-Law Nutcracker. Says stuff like "My daughter is too good for you!" "Get a job!" "You call this a meal!?!"

8. Motion-Activated, Drunken Parrot. Says weird shit in a fake pirate accent. (If I had one I would call it Rupert.)

7. Amazing Live Sea Monkeys. *waves to Seana*

6. The Hillary Nutcracker. It really cracks nuts! It's Hillary in a power pantsuit. You put the nut in her crotch & squeeze her legs together.

5. The George W Bush 'Mission Accomplished!' Toilet Bowl Brush. Hold his legs, scrub your toilet with his head. Okay, this one makes me laugh. A lot.

4. Fart Lollipops. Evidently people who suck on the lollipops soon begin to fart uncontrollably. (Wouldn't this be, like, poisoning?)

3. A Shut The Duck Up Tee-Shirt, featuring that AFLAC duck with duct tape wrapped around his bill.

2. The White Trash Christmas Album, featuring songs like 'The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen' and Wreck the Malls.' Sadly, I am strangely attracted to carp like this.

and the number one thing I most don't want?

1. Any kind of Singing Fish or Singing Reindeer or Laughing Santa wall plaque! GAH! I hate those things!!!

Ding, Dong, Sara Sidle's Gone

Or as I liked to call her - Suicidal.

It will be so nice to have her depressed, unhappy face off my show! Really, Grissom should have stuck with Lady Heather. She was much more interesting. And sexy. Suicidal was not at all sexy (or interesting or empathetic.) I was starting to disrespect Grissom for settling on her.

I want more stories starring Nick and Greg.

An Earth-Shattering Announcement of Cosmic Importance

Well, to me anyway.

My middle child's boyfriend has finally got himself a job!

Let's see - he graduated high school in 2002. Since then he has sat around, played video games and vaguely looked for work every month or two. You know, unless it was raining or something. Anyway, a friend of his has hired him to work in a game store - I believe he starts on Black Friday. Hallelujah!

Then when daughter graduates from college (finally!) at the end of December, maybe she will get a job too. Self-supporting children - what a concept!

This Just In...

Turns out, my evil sister Carole is still married to her fourth husband. !?!?! I thought she divorced him in late 2002 or early 2003. I thought this because:
(a) she moved out in early 2002
(b) she TOLD me she was getting divorced!
(c) she complained about how much of her money & assets he screwed her out of
(d) she went from being Carole StupidMarriedFrenchieName back to Carole MaidenName

Who reclaims their maiden name without getting divorced? Is that even legal? I am completely bemused by this development that she kind of let slip by accident in a conversation.

Her reasoning - so far as I can understand it - is that she would have felt like such a loser if she got divorced for the 4th time, so instead she just legally seperated from him. So she is not a loser divorcee.

I find the whole thing very strange. As I think back on it she tended to say things like "when Frenchie and I broke up" or "when Frenchie and I split," not "when Frenchie and I got divorced." Then again, whenever I said the "divorce" word about Frenchie she did not correct me. I wonder if her kids (who are not Frenchie's kids) know this!

I do not understand my sister.

I Am Not Here Today Because

My lovely and talented DH has spent the whole. entire. day. blithely occupying the entire office as though it is his private turf or something. The nerve!

Really, the only smart thing Mr. Swami has done so far today, besides sit on me, is to give me an Old Fashioned glass full of Bailey's. Followed immediately by a refill. And by "sit on me" I mean theraputically sit on my bionic leg - to flex it to its full extension.

NOOOOO !!!!!

SNOW !!!!
I am so not ready. I need new boots!

On the other hand the deer hunters will be happy because now they can track their prey.

Which reminds me of my poor neighbor. Here in the midwest many people create a little "lawn art" display of 3 whitetailed deer - daddy deer, mommy deer and Bambi makes three. Usually the statues are made of painted cement or some kind of resin and people put them up near their houses.

Anyway, one neighbor down the road decided to put a single buck out by his roadside mailbox in a non-traditional display. And? This "buck" has been shot twice by hunters - no matter that you are not supposed to shoot from your car, or shoot within so many feet of a state highway, or that it is so obviously a statue if you look at it for more than 10 seconds and are not drunk.

So the guy was forced to put a blaze orange vest onto his display buck. I think it is hysterical - a lone buck on the side of the road, wearing blaze orange. I bet he gets shot again though. Deer hunters are persistant folks.

Stupid Writers' Strike

How am I supposed to come up with a new blog entry when all the writers are on strike?

I guess I will go shopping instead, since I have no work to do today. Menard's had a flyer in today's paper listing all their Christmas decorations on sale! I want an easy-leveling tree stand so I don't have to make Mr. Swami lie on the floor for hours and adjust screws. I also want a bunch of mirrored tree balls, some rope light and who knows what else.

It's either shopping or make doctor's appointments for some stuff I am overdue on. Like a mammogram and colonoscopy. Really. Which sounds more fun - shopping or medical carp? I hate mammograms! And? I have never yet had a colonoscopy and the whole idea scares me. My colon quivers just thinking about it! *colon shiver*

Things I Blame The Internet For:

1. My limited capacity to focus on a long novel anymore.

2. That accidental gay pass I made at my neighbor Pat.

3. My increased potty mouth.

4. My now limitless gullibility.

5. Certain unusual sexual cravings my DH developed late in life which were caused by that free internet porn.

6. Knowing more than I want to about certain airhead waste-of-oxygen so-called celebrities.

7. My increased procrastination.

8. My declining grammar and punctuation skills. Who has time for commas anymore?

9. Giving me Google which fuels my obsessive need to instantly know everything about something I don't really care about anyway.

10. Making it sooo easy to buy stuff I never should have even bid on at eBay.