More Highlights, Less Bloopers.

My official New Year's resolution.
(Shamelessly stolen from my Sunday paper, but then I didn't promise to be more honest and creative now did I?)

Happy New Year to my bloggy buddies!

May you all have a kick-ass New Year!

I may or may not be drunk posting tonight.

Schnoooookie! I got Schnaaaaaaaps!

And Fat Bastard Shiraz.

My Year End Complaint List

1. I am afraid to walk on my iced-over driveway. What if I fall and break my leg or something? And that? Proves I am old. Crap.
2. I sent out 54+ Christmas cards and I only got back 32. Nobody loves me.
3. DD is tight with her going-nowhere BF again. :(
4. YE plus ME means I won't see Tom until about midnight tonight. And also because having the bond market and the Federal Reserve close on short notice (to honor G. Ford), essentially at YE, complicates things at the bank.
5. I have no cleverly named appliances, therefore I am not as imaginative as I thought I was.
6. My newspaper just got sold to a gang I know nothing about. I sure hope they don't dumb it up or turn it into a conservative agenda machine or something.
7. I miss eBay. I bought a couple of cool things on it over the holidays but now I have to cut of the bidding crap for a while.
8. My exercise bike is mocking me, the bitch. It knows I have been neglecting it, and it also knows that soon it will have it's revenge as I start a regular program again.
9. I have to go grocery shopping. Again. I think I will go to a little store and pay more just so I can avoid walking around in the cavern.
10. I can never think of a good 10. Never! I barely even squeezed out a 9 today.

Meatloaf

No muss; no fuss.

Santa is Dead

I did a little day-after Christmas shopping today and passed three houses that have those giant, inflated Santas. All three had just turned off the blower thing and left poor deflated santa laying there like a big used condom or something. It seems so disrespectful. Poor Santa. RIP.

Yippie Skippie!

It's
Christmas
Eve!!!!

Caroling

I am too lazy/busy to write another ornament story. Here is my favorite Strange Carol.

Deck The Stalls

Deck the stalls with oats and barley
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo.
Tis the season for cow parties
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo.
Don we now our hay apparel
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo!
Troll the ancient cattle's carole -
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo.

Fill us full of hay and fodder,
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo.
Lead us not into a slaughter
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo.
Say goodbye to earthy pasture,
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo.
We await the Bovine Rapture!
Moo, moo, moo-moo, moo. Moo-moo, moo moo!!!

Don't hold back on the moo-moo chorus. The tune, of course, is Deck The Halls.

My Giant Christmas Sock

You want ornament/Christmas stories? I'll give you a story...

In 1932 my mother made this giant Christmas stocking. The Depression was biting hard at my family then. Two of my father’s brothers had moved into the small row house my parents rented, one with his wife and two small children. My dad supported them all as best he could.

The two families each had one of two small bedrooms and the bachelor brother slept on a cot in the hallway. But they had a scrawny Christmas tree with gifts for everyone tucked under its meager branches. All the aunts and uncles and cousins and parents who were able to had brought gifts. The tree was decorated with paper cut-outs and bits of ribbon. My brother was the youngest child in the house, not yet two years old. And he was wildly excited to open the presents!

So in the dark of Christmas morning well before anyone else was up, he slipped out of my parents’ bedroom, past his sleeping uncle and down the steps. He ripped opened the presents. Every. one. Things he could play with he played with. He ate all the gifts of homemade candy. Clothes of any kind he just dropped and walked on. Homemade jam was opened, tasted and then dropped onto the floor with the clothes. It was a complete mess. With all the tags ripped off no one knew which gift was for which person, or who it was from. My mother was horrified and felt so bad that her child had destroyed, damaged or dirtied so many precious gifts.

So the day after Christmas mom marched into Kresge’s with a jar full of coins, determined to find something — anything — for each person under her roof. Kresge’s had their best cotton flannel on sale for 9 cents a yard. As my mother stood there fingering the lovely flannel she suddenly conceived the idea for a giant stocking. A stocking so big it could have held all the presents in safety. She decided to devote 50 cents to the stocking project and bought 4 yards of red flannel, 1 yard of white flannel and a spool of thread.

That very day she sewed The Sock and every year since The Sock has been the centerpiece of our family Christmas, hanging from the ceiling in cheery splendor. Gifts that came in the mail, gifts we wrapped for each other, all gifts were dropped into the Christmas Sock. On Christmas morning my father would stand on an ottoman and unhook The Sock. We kids took turns pulling out a present and giving it to the proper recipient. As the baby of the family, born almost 20 years after my brother (and ruining a perfectly good change-of-life), I always got to retrieve the final few gifts — by crawling right inside the sock!

How indescribably magical it felt to be completely inside a giant Christmas Sock! It was like being in a Christmas wormhole or something, lol.

My mother passed away in 1999. The Christmas Sock lives at my house now. Every year as I hang the sock I remember my beautiful mother. I touch the very stitches her hands created years & years before I was born. I remember a time when I had to reach up to touch the heel of the sock, and how after my father passed away I was the one who got to stand on the ottoman and unhook the sock for my mom.

It’s a magic sock. Full of love even when it’s emptied.


I'll do some more ornament pics later, if Blogger lets me. It is getting so hard to log into old blogger! Sometimes I can't even get an old Blogger login screen - just the new, non-Beta version. I may have to switch soon.
.

Christmas At Swami's, Part

(Part I was actually added quite a bit after the below Part II because I'm weird like that.)


This is the oldest Santa in my collection. My great-great-great-grandmother brought this with her when she immigrated to America as a young girl (15) in the mid 1840s. It is very fragile now. When I was a child we still hung it on the tree but the hanging bit was gone by the time I got it. It is made os some kind of pressed paper pulp.


More Santas.


My three wise men. They are late 60s/early 70s vintage. It was all the rage back then to craft wise men out of wine bottles and varnished fabric. These guys look way nicer IRL (so to speak) than they do in the photo. I just love them. Recognize the Seagram's Crown on the one guy?


Some of my angels, which I also collect a bit.

Christmas At Swami's Part II

Let's see how many pics Blogger will let me post today...


My Christmas tree this year. Kind of bare because of new kitty Graycie, and sorry the pic is so dark. Usually I have way more icicles than that on the tree. More ornaments too.


All trees should have a Mr. Spock. This is my action guy from the 70s.


One of my many little naked angels. I love these things! They have 4 poses, I think. Kitty thinks they are nice and chewy. :(


The only ornaments I have left from my childhood - three little reindeer. ?There used to be 8 of course. I spent hours playing with these little guys by the light of the Christmas tree. They are magickal reindeer, you see.


My Santa and sleigh. Yeah, I know there is more than one Santa there but I kind of collect Santas. And Buddha is always there of course.

Okay. That's all blogger will allow in this post. I will call it Part II and see if I can put more pics in another post.

The Norwegian Alphabet Has Only 25 Letters

Noel

Baking, Hosting, Chestnut Roasting.

This is what we are supposed to do over the holidays. So, where do I stand on this list?

1. Baking? Done. Although after receiving my cookies neither Carey nor Nutz posted for the longest time. Coincidence? I think not.

2. Hosting? Not this year, except for our nuclear family only dinner on Christmas Eve.

3. Chestnut Roasting? TG – no. Although I remember being a small child and watching my parents roast chestnuts on an open fire while they crooned old Bing Crosby songs. I tried to be very, very quiet so they would forget I was there but it never worked. Every year I had to “just try one!”. Yecchh. I do not like roasted chestnuts. I am almost glad that the American Chestnut trees went into decline.


Faking, Boasting, Internet Posting.

This is what I will really be doing.

1. Faking. Like when party people laugh and I laugh too even though I’m pretty much clueless. Or when religious relatives babble on about the Baby Jesus and I just smile & try to say pretty much nothing at all.

2. Boasting. Like when people boast about how great everything is at their house. Their children are perfect and all have college scholarships and/or play for symphony orchestras when they are not busy volunteering their time for homeless crack babies. So I put on my virtual ice-skates and spin, baby, spin. Because everything is perfect at my house too! (Not).

3. Internet Posting. Which is one of the funnest things I do so I’ll post if I want to.

In conclusion I offer this quote from Clare Fisher, of the late, great Showtime series Six Feet Under:

“In Hell, it’s always Christmas.”

Thank goodness I’m going to Hell. I love Christmas! I really do! It’s my favorite holiday.

Great Moments In Motherhood

When you decide to give a quick report (with speculations!) to your spouse about your child's love life and her parasitic boyfriend, first be sure that your daughter isn't just sitting in the dark in the next room.

She said she was going out, The back door opened & closed. How was I supposed to know she just let the cat out and then 'snuck' into the darkened family room while I wasn't looking? This Swami is not clairvoyent!

My Nosey Christmas Questions

1. How many cards do you send out? (including family, friends & business people)
a. none
b. 1 – 10
c. 11 – 25
d. 26 – 50
e. more than 50

2. Do you display the cards you receive or just pile them up?

3. How many holiday parties do you go to? (including work & family events)

4. At a holiday party do you:
a. bring a food or beverage?
b. mix & mingle painlessly?
c. get drunk & make people cry?
d. get drunk & flirt inappropriately?

5. Is the whole “who goes where” thing a big issue in your family? Explain.

6. Do you put up a tree? Real? Artificial?

7. When do you open your presents, Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

8. If you celebrate Christmas is it primarily a religious experience? Or a secular one?

9. Do you have a special family tradition sometime during the holidays?

10. I can’t think of a good ten and not having a round number bugs me. Am I nuts?

A Very Important Announcement

Today is a very special day for a certain snowmobile-riding, Southern Comfort-drinking, shih tzu-loving, softball-playing, goddess of the North. You know who I mean here, right?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIGHTS !!!

She turns 29 today.

East & West

So my cookies are on their way. Finally. One package is going east, one package west. Since I live in the middle of the midwest this is not at all surprising. Each package includes a couple of family favorites, like reindeer poop and thumbprints as well as 1 kind of cookie that really didn't turn out all that well but I made 'em so you get 'em. It's a tough old world out there!

Oh yeah. My lovely DD April said I had to send some of her science-based peanut butter cookies to eveyone. Which explains why there are a few non-Christmas-y looking pb cookies in the mix.

They should arrive on Monday.

Things My Cats Have Learned The Hard Way

1 - Mom can't see in the dark, so move!
2 - Balloons go pop.
3 - Cats are not invited to buffets.
4 - Too much pie makes you sick.
5 - If I chase a squirrel waaay up high in a tree mom will not climb up to save me. I have to wait for dad. Even when it's cold.

This cat will be the death of me.

Opening Breezy's Cookies, Live!

Doing it here because I don't know where her blog is. No one has her linked and I have never found it.

The New Bond

Has left me shaken and stirred.



This photo doesn't quite do him justice cause he actually looks way hotter than that! TG he was in a Euro-style suit and not one of those stupid, knee-length bag suits that men here seem to wear!

Gorgeous, isn't he? I don't usually go for blondies but this guy is HOT! Plus we get to see him naked near the end of the film.

Half the men in the audience were ready for the toaster exchange program after two hours of this Bond.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh !

Be vewwy vewwy quiet.
Cookie dough is chilling.

A Delicate Topic

Or not.

My toilet is leaking. When I came downstairs yesterday I noticed the throw rug in front of the toilet was soaked. I thought maybe the cats or kids had done something stupid so I picked up the rug & threw down a towel. (Have I mentioned that I am kind of a magic thinker? If I don't believe in plumbing leaks they will just go away, right?) Anyway, by afternoon I had changed the towel 3 times. Dang! I do not want a big plumber bill for Christmas!

It is leaking where the toilet meets the floor and this is our oldest, unimproved bathroom so I expect that we will have to get a whole new metal collar thingie to seat the stool on. That's what we had to do when we updated our other 2 bathrooms.

*shortens Christmas wish list*

Morons on Ice

No, this is not a new ice show by Scott Hamilton.

Yesterday while I was driving into town I noticed that the St Croix River had finally iced over. Which immediately reminded me that Tom and I needed to start our no-money bet over when the first idiot would fall through the ice and drown. I know - it's sick and macabre to speculate on such things. But we do.

Anyway, a few minutes later I drove past White Bear Lake, one of the biggest lakes around here, and there were two people ice-skating!!! The lake had a crust of ice beginning on the shoreline and extending 30 to 40 feet to the open water of the lake. These fools were skating right next to open water! WTF were they thinking!?! Morons!!!

Okay, I know that part of the lake and shallow water extends pretty far out at that point, but it's not guaranteed - there are always little random deep spots. Plus if you go through the ice even if you can still stand it is freaking cold! Your winter clothes get so heavy when they're water-logged, and climbing out of a hole in the ice is freakingly hard. Can we say 'death by hypothermia' children? Yes we can.

Utter, utter morons.

Everyone Has Snow But Me!

North
West
East
South

WTF is up with that? I like snow. I want snow! Snow is good. Yesterday? Freaking rain which stopped right before it got cold enough to make snow. Even Seattle got snow, but not Minnesota.

Please tell me how much snow you have, unless you are one of those SoCal-look-at-my-sunny-warm-sky types. In which case just send me your address so I can visit in January.